March 2025

“Beware the Ides of March!” people exclaim when I tell them of my March 15th birthday. This year, I heard it at least half a dozen times from half a dozen people in the lead up. Each time, I laugh along – not to humor them or poke fun, but rather to join in because, yes, I am someone to beware of.

This is my first new post on my new blog. I do not intend to write out the last few years here, but I have had many ups and downs recently. I’d say that I have been stable for approximately two and a half months, following a brief but severe depressive episode. I am doing very well.

Five months ago, I met a guy who lovebombed me to the point of convincing me in our seven weeks together that we were on track to get married one day. He offered me the world, and suddenly, in the middle of the work day, he texted to end it all. I spiraled out of control and it was not pretty. One day I will go into more detail, but for now, it still stings. But if he’d just paid attention to the warning, he’d have known to beware.

In the last five years since James and I broke up, my relationships have had many similar dramatic endings. Not all, but enough that there is an established pattern. I used to blame James and the relationship trauma (so says my therapist) that he put me through. I still do to an extent, but I will admit that I have also established some bad habits.

Recently, I was talking with another guy and, with our circumstances (e.g., distance) it would never have worked out. While sour at first, we are now friendly. This proves that I can handle endings to relationships, though this particular person was sympathetic to my triggers.

Years ago, I had one therapist who thought (and continued to think) I might have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) due to my compulsions related to relationships and communication. A couple more have suspected that I might meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD), but, according to my current therapist, the only challenges I have are in dating, so that doesn’t fit, either.

I even had one therapist suggest I am autistic because of my introverted tendencies and reading of social cues. I ended up cutting ties with her pretty quickly for several reasons, and she proclaimed that it was a good idea because she didn’t know how to handle my manic episodes (weeks after determining she was wrong about the autism). I won’t get into the ethics of why she never should have been working with me, but I will say she should have been warned (beware!).

Anyway, the diagnoses don’t matter to me because, in the end, I know my symptoms well, and the consequences of those symptoms. I realize I am triggered by feeling ignored and being talked down to. I warn others but they do not listen, and I end up spiraling into deep depressions in the fallout. Sometimes, however, I maintain control, and that is when I feel empowered and not susceptible to the monster inside me. Knowing and understanding your symptoms and triggers is vital to managing a bipolar diagnosis.

When I met my current therapist, I discussed my disability and she asked why I would use that language. I explained that when I am in an episode, it is disabling, from taking away my motivation and energy to causing me to act irrationally. She continues to argue that I am high functioning and that my disorder is not disabling. However, it would be if I did not adhere to a strict sleep schedule, go to therapy, eat healthy, take my medication on schedule, and practice good self-care hygiene, in general. I follow an uncompromising routine and always put my mental health first.

While I am stable now, I wanted to write this entry because my ideas are flowing. It is not as raw as some entries, perhaps, but, on my 36th birthday, it rings true: Beware the Ides of March. Beware of my depression, my anger, my irritability. I can change moods on a dime and that’s something my future partner will need to be aware of. However, I maintain wonderful friendships and relations with my family. I see the potential to maintain a healthy romantic relationship as well, one day.