December 2024

If my years in therapy have taught me anything, it’s that the basic tenet of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) , dialectics (two opposing things can be true at the same time) ultimately rings true. I am kind and loyal AND I can be mean when someone gives me reason to be. I am fierce and capable of standing up at work AND I can be timid and shy in personal social situations. I can be strong-willed and ambitious AND light-hearted, fun, and free-spirited.

Another aspect of DBT is the focus on wise-mind, a balance between our emotional state, and our logical, rational state. We keep the balance with skills focused on mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. My greatest area of weaknesses has long been distress tolerance. When things go haywire, I tend to lose control, and do everything I can to feel that sense of control again. It’s gotten me into quite a pickle before. I often say that of all the functions of why behaviors occur (attention/connection-seeking, sensory-seeking, escape/avoidance, tangible), mine would certainly be power and control. In trying to find this balance, I can sometimes also be emotionally dysregulated. I think I’m pretty good at mindfulness, though I am also sometimes guilty of mindlessness. My interpersonal skills are adequate, but I do struggle more in my romantic relationships than with family or friendships. This blog will tell that story and many more.

I haven’t done much reading on Family Systems Therapy (FST), yet, but I do know that it essentially says we are made of many different parts that work together like a family, and none of our parts are inherently “bad”. I think the key take away for me is not to label my parts as good or bad and to recognize that all parts of me protect me in functioning in the world as who I am. This goes back to needing to feel a sense of control. But why do I need this and how can I healthily achieve it?

Nearly a year ago, I attended a partial hospitalization program (PHP) for two weeks due to my non-suicidal, non-self injurious deep depression, mixed with mania. It was not my first brush with mental health hospitals (having been inpatient twice before), but it was the most recent and memorable. One of the staff members, reiterated the importance of not labeling our thoughts, feelings, and emotions as bad or good, or even positive or negative, but to use “adaptive” and “maladaptive” terminology which does not denote anything except that it may not be helpful at this moment.

A lot of this blog will focus on less adaptive moments in my life. It will be embarrassing and brutal and human. I will feel guilt writing it and anxiety publishing it for all to see. But, please remember that I am more than my parts, and that while I have these nonadaptive moments, I am still a good person, trying her best in life.

“Every night I try my best to dream, tomorrow makes it better. But I wake up to the cold reality that not a thing has changed.”

• Paramore, Last Hope