December 2024

Starting out at my new job in 2018, I vividly recall my supervisor telling me I was not the best fit for the job, but that I was certainly the most enthusiastic. When I was in graduate school, a professor mentioned that a graduate student could not have depression, because they’d never make it through graduate school. When I graduated undergraduate school, my dad tried to convince me to switch career paths because I would never succeed in grad school. This same father never once said he was proud of me in my life until I graduated from grad school in April 2016. In December 2024 (the present), my supervisor told me that I didn’t have what it takes to be an administrator and to drop out of the doctoral program I was to start in a week because it would be a waste of my time.

Research told me years ago that I was very likely to die by suicide as a result of my bipolar disorder before I reached the age of 60 (prevalence rates only increase with time). As I’ve gotten older, my depressive episodes have gotten worse, I have been hospitalized more frequently, my passive suicidal thoughts persist longer, my hope is continually tested, and I am more comfortable with thoughts of being dead. All in all, as time goes by, so does hope.

I have spent my life fighting against people who told me I would go nowhere, be nothing, contribute nothing. I have reason to believe I won’t live a long, fruitful life. “Nevertheless she persisted.” Nevertheless, I’ve tried, I’ve worked hard, I’ve going above and beyond, I’ve refused to give up. When I had to shut down my “Sam Sunrise” social media profile due to death threats, a few years ago, I returned months later with the perfect new name, “Sam Tenacious.” Afraid to take on such a powerful title at first – I quickly embraced it, thanks in part to support from friends and family who saw something in me that at that point I could not.

“Something’s wrong when you regret things that haven’t happened yet; well, it’s a glorious day when morning comes, without the feeling of alarm.”

• The Submarines, 1940 (AmpLive Remix)